Between the Silence | Raconteurs

My cool friends created a writers collective and I get to be a part of this team of story-tellers. We call ourselves the raconteurs. I wrote a response for prompt #1, thought I’d share here. Go check out our website for more wordy musings!

You know what they all say. You’re really only going to keep in touch with 4-5 of your friends in college – or high school, for that matter – after you graduate. So choose wisely. (Welcome to the “real world”?).

Prompt #1 – Write an anonymous letter to a person who you know you will not be in contact with after you graduate.


Dear ol’ friend,

“We are so similar, yet so different.”

I said these words to you that one night we stayed up together for the first time, talking endlessly on our beds; back when time didn’t feel so limited. I was still learning what it meant to trust a new friend with my heart, and it began with you that night. Your story inspired me.

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What Christmas Means to Me

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When I tried to pretend to be festive by myself once…

This time of year, I hear about or see my friends post on social media all the joys of celebrating this holiday season. It’s marked with family gatherings, gift exchanges, holiday music/movies, all-things sparkly and Christmas.

 *Insert side rant that’s going to become relevant in this post*

I’ve always wanted to marry someone with a big family that does all of those typical cute big family sha-bangs. The weird games, the outings, decorating the house/tree, cute babies, family parties, cooking meals and baking cookies, cameras being shoved in your face/awkward photos, laughter and chatter filling the air. Maybe this sounds like yours and you’re like “Nah Angie, it ain’t all that great” or “Lol it’s pretty crazy”. Yeah I hear you- BUT HEAR ME OUT! I’m not really about the superficial aspect of it, I mean I understand it can be dissatisfying to have a big family and feel like there’s a lack of deeper connection. Maybe you’re just dragged along and drained, or these celebrations seem fake or too much. Well, I’m talking more on the aspect of the expected rhythm of celebrating, bonding and togetherness. It’s so important to step back from all that’s going on in life to just have a good time with people you love, whatever that may look like. Maybe since my main love language is quality time, I just love the thought of doing things with a bunch of people, making good memories and being silly. But also, I grew up in a home without consistent tradition, and only in recent years did we start to value eating together. All of my extended family lives in other countries. I’m super thankful still, as the holidays used to be some of the hardest, loneliest times- not trying to be sounding ungrateful for what I already have, which are def blessings. But yeah, this is just one of my desires in life hehe.

Wait, hold on though- Yes, these are wonderful things and valid to desire. Jesus knows my heart and I trust in what the future holds for me in that area for healing and fulfillment. But what is the meaning of Christmas? 

As someone who is a follower of Jesus, Christmas obviously is about Jesus… Or is it?

Home is a spiritual battlefield for me, as I am for now the only person who has a personal relationship with the Lord. Basically, this post was fueled by what happened tonight as we ate a meal together for the sake of “Christmas”. There were some comments of mockery towards other people who were believers as well as “unpleasant” comments that were personal to me. My first instinct usually when things like this occur is to feel hurt, be sad, and want to leave.

I didn’t understand- why are we even eating for Christmas? They don’t care about all the religious mumbo-jumbo, but is Christmas just so engrained in the world culture that the true meaning has been lost? God has answered numerous prayers I’ve prayed for years for my family, even showed me favor in ways that they would be able to see Him working undeniably. They’d tell me, “Wow things always somehow always work out for you more than the rest of us”, or even joke  “The angels must be with you” when they don’t know how to logically explain certain situations (aka miracles, provisions!). I’ve learned in all these years that it’s not my own burden or power to show them His love, not about having the right words or theology but trusting in Him who is fighting most of this battle. I get frustrated though, and saddened especially times like these.

Jesus, they refuse to see you. Heck, they don’t even recognize you when you are so close, so evident. Why Lord? When? I feel alone. I feel weak. I am tired… 

In my dialogues with Him tonight, God’s voice guided my thoughts and I heard the gentle whispers…

This is why I came. They don’t see or hear me, but I came anyway. I died for them anyway. My Hope and power is living and active. Daughter, be encouraged- I came into the world regardless. 

Jesus came into the world, God in human form, yet many did not recognize him. People rejected Him, denied who He was, mocked Him, killed Him. As I remembered this, I realized that this moment at home felt so relevant and symbolic.

It’s evident the condition of the world we live in.

Diagnosis: Apathy. Anger. Hatred. Disbelief. Pride. Greed. 

Cure: ???

Jesus proclaimed that He came for the sick, not the healthy (Mark 2:17). He came for the Gentiles, the lepers, the bleeding woman, the prostitute, the tax collectors- lowly, disregarded, despised, unreligious, dismissed, poor [in spirit]. It’s appropriate to celebrate Jesus’ birth, but I guess I’m remembering that He didn’t come for those who would celebrate Him. He came for those He had to seek out to mend the gap, and those who cursed His name.

So yeah, Christmas is supposed to mean a celebration of His birth. But am I content with the thought of joyfully praising His coming rather than immersing deeper into the reality in which Christ came into?

Do I believe God is here with my family whether they are aware or not? Do I remember all that He has done, or have I forgotten already of His faithfulness? Will I give up or continue to have faith for them?

Holiday traditions, big family sha-bangs, all the fun festive things are so great- but I’m thankful that in this season of my life God is still teaching me the real meaning of Christmas through heart wrenching moments. I think I need to learn this fully first anyway in order to not get caught up doing all of these festive things versus sitting at Christ’s feet to thank Him, adore Him, praise Him.

 

 

 

 

Map & Guide

Scrambling. Arranging. Searching. Running. Falling. Searching again.

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Map & Guide | Photo I took of Isaac @ Getty Museum | Nov 14, 2014

My roommate Lauryn and our friend Aaron were watching “The Incredibles” at my place the other night, and I walked in on the scene where Edna is showing Mrs. Incredible her super suit. Her super power is that any part of her body can stretch out as far as she wants, so in presenting the suit, the machine demonstrates how it can stretch with her. I watched this scene quietly and as corny as it sounds, all I thought in that moment was ‘Dude.. that’s how I feel right now- stretched REALLY thin’. That describes how I’ve felt for a good portion of this Fall semester, which is already the second-to-last one as an undergraduate. Sometimes it’s like people would be trying to talk to a portion of my left arm and not really notice I wasn’t fully present. Hellooo, I’m all the way over here.

Well, I’m not here to  list all of my extracurricular activities, or show off my busy google calendar- honestly, those things are what I would talk about in passing but they’re just noise and frivolous details compared to what’s going on internally.

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Planet Ernesto | LAUP Narratives

“What’s on Planet Ernesto?” I asked.

“There’s LOTS of dirt for dirt bikes and motorcycles, and so many trees that grow apples- but not the fruit kind, the candy ones. Can there  be a rainbow road with unicorns and lots of stars in the sky? Sounds beautiful!” he replied, his eyes looking afar and glowing with wonder. I chuckled.

“Ok, your turn! What’s on Planet Angela?”

“Well, how about you make it up for me?”

“Okay, hmm…probably lots of coffee!”

As you could imagine, I bursted out laughing by this point. I mean come on y’all, that couldn’t have been more accurate- Planet Angela would most definitely run on coffee. I had been placing a tumbler with tea or coffee on the desk every day that I came in to class for “Impacto”, a summer enrichment program for kids in the inner city of LA located in Boyle Heights that I was volunteering for in my duration as a LAUP Intern. Ernesto, a 8 year old boy in the 2nd/3rd grade class I was assisting for, must have noticed my tumbler when we read together and stored it in his memory.

That wasn’t the only moment he proved his spectacular memory and attention to detail. As we walked on the streets for the program’s weekly neighborhood field trips (whether to a police station, park, or library), he would tell me from the beginning the exact directions to reach our destination. While we headed back to the classroom from lunch time, he would vividly describe a funny movie scene or tell stories of his family from years prior. He was even able to digest complicated plots in the Star Wars comic book that I read with him, which was way above his reading level- and honestly, I didn’t even understand what was going on half the time.

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Ernesto; he insisted we take a selfie, and then hated it because he’s missing a tooth LOL.

Throughout LAUP, I learned about the complex layers of systemic injustice and how that effects people, especially low-income ethnic minority communities. In fact, it’s so deeply engrained and complex that it feels hopeless to see any change no matter how much people shout for help and their voices to be heard, or how much they try to push and yank off the strings that are choking them. Trying to untie one string out of the many intertwined strings of a giant knotted ball still leaves an inevitably giant knotted ball. It was not the first time I heard about these issues, but being away without technology or worries of everyday life for 6 weeks really forced me to immerse into the deeper waters.

It’s one thing to hear about these messed up policies and  the overwhelming, glaring statistics, but another to build relationships, hear real life stories, and witness them yourself. Also, I did not expect to see so much of my own story in what I heard and learned- how freaking uncomfortable! I was at LAUP to learn about injustice and God’s heart, not about my own past and present hardships or pains- what the heck, Jesus?! That’s what being at LAUP was like for me, if I had to summarize it.

The partial narrative of my LAUP experience that I’m about to continue telling here is about how one boy’s life intersected with mine at the right place in the right time, and how Jesus used this to grip my heart, alter my perspective, and realign the trajectory of my future.  There is no happy ending or clear resolution to this story, but it is one that is honest and real.

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Tales of a Clutz in a Materialistic Culture

For lack of a better description, I felt like a total clutz these past few weeks. In a span of 1 week, I lost both my phone and wallet.

Well, the first incident was considered a theft as my iphone was stolen from a taco place in Long Beach. It was turned off when I tried to call it, and 2 hours later the location was tracked in between East LA and Compton at 10 p.m. The person who took it clearly knew what he (or she) was doing, and it would not have been worth it to drive to a sketchy area in the middle of the night just to try to retrieve the phone. I had already made peace with what had happened within those 2 hours anyway, and while it was kind of a hassle to go through with it, everything was fine and I moved on the next day. It was actually nice to have a week of “phone fasting”.

Now, losing my wallet on the other hand was a different story. I was on the bus back from work, sleep deprived and apparently too distracted by looking out the window at the busy street construction before I got off on my stop. An hour later, I realized it was missing and the only place I could have lost it was on the bus. I was panicked due to some money I received from my parents the night before for rent, as well as irreplaceable important documents I had in there. I wondered how I could have been so clumsy and given this was the “theme” of the week after the phone incident, the guilt felt even stronger. The story for this one ends better though. The 4th bus driver opened his door at the bus stop I waited at and greeted me with a smile saying “Yes, I know exactly why you’re here!” and handed me my wallet. This could have easily been stolen too instead of being turned in.

With both incidents, no real damage was done. However, as I was shaken with worry from the second event, I knew these things didn’t occur out of coincidence. Perhaps it was a lesson to always put my belongings in a zipped pocket or bag, but it had to be more than that…

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In Retrospect | Dry Season

Rewind 2 years.

“I squatted in the dark backyard and pondered upon my life- past, present, and what could be the future. A feeling of dismay and distraught washed over me just as I turned around. I saw that what used to be a field of lively pink and yellow flowers in the summer time were now nowhere to be seen. What’s left were dried up patches of grass and broken, fallen stems.
There wasn’t even one glimpse of hope in sight.
I closed my eyes and lifted up a quiet, desperate prayer for the hope that seemed lost in the moment. As I prayed, I remembered that God has been faithful in the past, bringing light to places of tremendous darkness in my family. Every dry season, I come back to this place of looking and focusing on what seems dead, forgetting that Jesus loves my family just as much as I do. The Lord is good, He is always by my side- why do I worry? Why do I lose hope, slip up, store up anguish and anxiety in my heart, and not trust in Jesus when these seasons come?
I am reminded that God never changes, and He is what I need to fix my gaze upon when I feel like I am lost.
That night, I read. He spoke hope over me. I slept reassured again, holding on to hope that is unseen but eternally trustworthy.”

“Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.” -Psalm 145:13-19 


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Social Anxiety & Community: To “Fit in” vs. “Belong” in a Temporary Home

Yep I said it- social anxiety. I am not using this word lightly, nor do I want to undermine the experiences of anyone who has/had the disorder. Rather, I would like to ask you to read this in the lens of me being vulnerable in sharing my own personal story with the intent to make space for more honest conversations about mental illness and the stigmas surrounding it.

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In our day and people-pleasing culture, we spend a tremendous amount of energy  to try to”fit in”-to be sociable, interesting, likable, and relatable. Perhaps you are extra blessed and could care less about what people think of you (not trying to act “idgaf”, but actually dgaf), excel naturally at socializing, feel confident wherever you go with whoever you meet, and find complete peace and happiness in who you are. Shoot, the old me would have loved to be you instead (okay…maybe even now). Regardless of if you’re another victim to people-pleasing like me or if this is not a general concern for you, it is innately engraved in our human heart and mind to harbor the desire to be accepted by others (“fit in”) and have a place to feel belonging. Somehow, these two desires got skewed and synonymous to one another, when in fact they are quite the opposite.

At this moment, I can call myself a very “social” person and most people would agree with me. I am naturally very relational, strongly value close relationships I can deeply connect with, and have decent interpersonal skills.

Okay, get to the point- So why is someone like you, then, talking about this particular subject matter?

Let’s take a short *ahem*  trip down memory lane.

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