Scrambling. Arranging. Searching. Running. Falling. Searching again.
My roommate Lauryn and our friend Aaron were watching “The Incredibles” at my place the other night, and I walked in on the scene where Edna is showing Mrs. Incredible her super suit. Her super power is that any part of her body can stretch out as far as she wants, so in presenting the suit, the machine demonstrates how it can stretch with her. I watched this scene quietly and as corny as it sounds, all I thought in that moment was ‘Dude.. that’s how I feel right now- stretched REALLY thin’. That describes how I’ve felt for a good portion of this Fall semester, which is already the second-to-last one as an undergraduate. Sometimes it’s like people would be trying to talk to a portion of my left arm and not really notice I wasn’t fully present. Hellooo, I’m all the way over here.
Well, I’m not here to list all of my extracurricular activities, or show off my busy google calendar- honestly, those things are what I would talk about in passing but they’re just noise and frivolous details compared to what’s going on internally.
Eyes darting. What’s happening? Where did all this come from? I could care less about that right now. What do I have to get done? Everyone and everything is so demanding of me. Where do I go next? Anxiety. Clutter.
Making a to-do list, for the same day twice because I misplaced the other sticky note. Did I do that yet? Minutes. Hours. Days. Appointments. Meetings. Work. Anticipation. Pause. Filter.
Where am I going? How do I get there? What did I forget last time? Numb. Stress. Losing sense of direction.
Full speed. Fast talking. No time to stop. Breathe, remember to breathe.
Hitting a wall. Pain. Open wounds. Feeling held back. Lies. Shame. Frustration. Alone. Empty.
What went wrong? Where did I lose myself? What did I leave behind? Revelation. Repentance. Mercy and grace. Redeemed. Renewed.
It seems that I find myself in a perpetuating cycle of getting caught in life’s worries and anxieties. Usually I know in my head and am fully aware that I am entering into another cycle, but I convince myself it’ll be okay. It’s not until I fall flat on my face that I realize “Aw shoot, I did it again…”
I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of letting anxiety of my future determine my present. I keep saying “Yes Lord, my life is in Your hands- I trust You,” but my actions are like “Nope, never mind, I know what’s better for me so hold up just one second while I figure this out.” Then of course when things don’t go as anticipated or the way I planned I come back saying “Ah I feel terrible and I messed up. Sorry Daddy… thanks for being patient with me and waiting.”
When I look back to my last year in high school, I didn’t really have dreams or many future goals. I didn’t have the mental/emotional capacity or environment to foster much more than a survival mechanism for the present. Right now, I feel immense gratitude for being able to dream of doing things I never imagined, to go to places I never thought of going- all out of a place of real passion, learning more about who I am and what I was created to do, and immense loads of healing. I also have an amazing support system from family and close community, all of which Jesus restored during my college years. It’s a privilege that I am able to think of higher education and a miracle (a series of many, actually) that I am where I am today.
So why do I forget? Why do I let pride and anxiety guide my days? If God has brought me here to this place and has shown me time after time that He’s my compass, then it will be the same from here on out too.
Well to be honest, it’s not always about how busy things are because that probably won’t change. I still have duties to fulfill, responsibilities to keep, applications to do for graduate school/dietetic internships, all that jazz. It’s not bad to be ambitious and get things done, I mean I’ve had seasons where I couldn’t be motivated or I was just so burdened by circumstances and depression ruled my life instead. But what’s the goal here? Is it to get to that school/program, is it to find the perfect job.. What defines me? Am I ever going to feel content or like I’m enough?
I want to listen to the Holy Spirit, instead of my own voice or even other peoples’. I need constant renewal of my mind. I don’t want to merely claim peace over my life and future, but actually live daily like I got a Father in Heaven who is the Prince of Peace with the best plans for little ol’ me.
If my destination is to serve God in this life and ultimately be with Him for all of eternity, I think I can let Him take control. Yep, I’m pretty darn sure.