In Retrospect | Dry Season

Rewind 2 years.

“I squatted in the dark backyard and pondered upon my life- past, present, and what could be the future. A feeling of dismay and distraught washed over me just as I turned around. I saw that what used to be a field of lively pink and yellow flowers in the summer time were now nowhere to be seen. What’s left were dried up patches of grass and broken, fallen stems.
There wasn’t even one glimpse of hope in sight.
I closed my eyes and lifted up a quiet, desperate prayer for the hope that seemed lost in the moment. As I prayed, I remembered that God has been faithful in the past, bringing light to places of tremendous darkness in my family. Every dry season, I come back to this place of looking and focusing on what seems dead, forgetting that Jesus loves my family just as much as I do. The Lord is good, He is always by my side- why do I worry? Why do I lose hope, slip up, store up anguish and anxiety in my heart, and not trust in Jesus when these seasons come?
I am reminded that God never changes, and He is what I need to fix my gaze upon when I feel like I am lost.
That night, I read. He spoke hope over me. I slept reassured again, holding on to hope that is unseen but eternally trustworthy.”

“Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.” -Psalm 145:13-19 

“In Retrospect” is a series I thought of on a whim right now, sleep deprived and full of thoughts, in order to look back on pieces of my old writing and read it again from a fresh perspective. There are many times I forget what God has done, or continue going forward without fully reflecting on the ways I’ve seen God work in my life and how that applies to where I am headed. I personally find it to be a necessary and helpful discipline to frequently go back to a place where I was desperately seeking and longing for Jesus. This helps me humble myself in order to remember that Jesus is (and has been) the only One who heals, restores, and directs my life.

So, in retrospect, I see that every dry season was preliminary to witnessing a greater degree of God’s faithfulness and glory when Spring arrived.

I used to think that if something was going well and I felt happy, that it would soon be robbed from me due to 1) past patterns, 2) fear that nothing good is meant to last or unreal, 3) my bitter, skeptical, hardened heart. In this case, it was about my family. At the time I wrote this, I felt alone and utterly hopeless that the relationships between my mom, dad, and brother could ever mend. The distrust, betrayal, violent fights, hurtful words and actions, lack of desire for apologies or reconciliation, pride- it was too long, and too much. Nothing I said or did seemed to fix any of it. I gave myself so much pressure and burden to be the one to help bridge and mend all the wounds that I became worn out, increasingly depressed, and disappointed. In those moments I would wonder where God was, when I should have wondered how I could be faithful to leaning on Him during those times. I tried to fix things on my own accord, and fell apart when the things I gripped for control failed miserably. Thankfully, I somehow held on and had a mustard seed of faith stored deep in my heart.

Yes, I see hope now- it’s not quite a flourishing garden but more so like a field of dry weeds with 10 blooming flowers. Things in my family are still overwhelmingly dry, yet it is undeniable that life is in fact growing there.

If you feel like you are in a dry place with “dead bones” surrounding you, I encourage you to invite Jesus to mourn with you. This is where He will meet you closely- heart to heart, face to face. He wants to you seek Him right there, nowhere else, and take a risk in putting your faith in the unseen. One day, I pray for you to be able to look back and praise Him for the glory that He has revealed to you and for you to fall deeper in love with Jesus as you hold on to this unseen hope and fight the good fight through the trials and pain.


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