Why this is truly a new beginning

Hello and greetings!

Ah yes, I am more than happy to welcome you here. You must be either a good friend, a curious bypasser, a bored night owl, an accidental clicker, or an unlikely fellow human who actually enjoys reading personal blogs like moi. I consider this to be like a fun house warming party, except that there is of course no food, no obligation for gifts, and 100% introvert friendly! This is in fact a Korean house hold, so take off your shoes and come on in!

*closing the door to corny introductions*

It’s been a close part of my heart to be a part of the blogging world all throughout college. I have created numerous blogs in the past (discounting the 10 tumblrs I had in my life time … is that considered blogging nowadays?), designing templates and planning the contents for days only to delete it soon after. I do a similar thing with journals too- I love starting a fresh new one and get excited to write in it. Then I find myself eyeing the stationary section at a store for prettier ones or having little patience to finish the current one until the very last page. There’s something about having new beginnings that are more attractive than necessarily efficient or productive.

So why is this truly a new beginning?

Even as I type this, I vaguely hear the judging voices in my head saying “Oh Angie.. Nobody really wants to know what you think, so why bother” or “Um okay, what makes you think you’re that important because.. you’re kinda not”. Sassy, yes, even to myself. Well, I am 2 weeks away from turning 23 (almost a quarter century old…almost is the key word) and as I get older, the voices of “Well WHO CARES, JUST DO IT!” triumphs the prior whispers. I just might have to credit Shia Labeouf for that over my growing age. On a more serious note, I’ve come to acknowledge that I am indeed another hostage to the people-pleasing culture of our society. SURPRISE!!! It’s not to say I dismiss that now, and if I’m being honest, I still care a good amount for what people think about me. When you reach a certain point though in the journey of self acceptance, love, and respect, you start to care more about what you think about yourself. The pressing questions turn from “Will doing this make people think I’m ___? Am I bad at this? Are people talking behind my back or negatively judging me right now?” into “Is this what I love doing? Do I feel fulfilled? Am I positively using my energy? Am I honoring myself, others, and God while I do this?” You get the idea.

Last year was pivotal in that journey for me. A good example of that is how I challenged myself to pick up a new art medium, watercolor, as well as practicing typography as a hobby. Art was a source of relief, expression, passion, and creativity ever since I could grab a pencil. I drew in my free time at home, at school, and with my friends. In 1st grade, I aspired to be an artist and a designer by 8th. During the dreaded years of high school, I became increasingly ashamed in my skills and consumed in jealous comparisons. I eventually put a halt to pursuing my childhood dreams, and even to drawing for fun. The little girl who loved art for what it meant to her died with the birth of one who was encapsulated in insecurities and paralyzed by the fear of man. I wasted much of my youth (am I sounding old yet?) weighing heavily other people’s opinions and thoughts instead of putting that energy into fostering myself. In picking up watercolor, those two little girls in me fought and strangled each other in the hours of practicing, messing up, and learning. That was the significance though- that they were fighting, yet one was not overwhelmed by the other. I was filled with joy when I finished a piece, and frustrated when I made a mistake on another. This is all to say that I did not give up, and am not nearly as concerned with other people or ashamed of my art because I am actually quite proud of myself for where I am now in this journey.

So, I am not entirely sure what this blog baby will become or what category it will fall into, and I decided that is A-OKAY. Perhaps an attempt at organized mumbo jumbo. I will put my best effort to push the perfectionist tendencies aside in order to portray an authentic Angie blog.

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Now you know why this little piece of art, one of the first I made in the summer, is a gem to me.

You may think I’m a complete drama queen for starting this blog in this manner. I think I’m pretty nutso too. I also think I love that about myself. By the end of this post, you probably realized that I have just justified my own craziness and that I disregard the first statement of this paragraph.

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